Sunday, December 16, 2012

At least, she is choosing a path. You?

"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."                                                                                    -William Jennings Bryan

I am always impressed when people say 'path'. Ya, actually, we have way, road, or line as its synonym. But, I guess there's an unique feeling that inevitable, it drives my curiosity about this special term. It brings my mind to make a related analogy. Classic Tari :)

Have you ever stepped on a path? I mean, path as literally. Me personally, ever stepped on a path, after ended up for a street. I remember, it was full of question marks. The first question that came in to my mind was, "Am I on the right way?". My first step on that path was a doubt. Slowly, very slowly. I'm staring to everything around because I need to make sure that everything is okay.

When I wrote this blog, I am judging my friend. She's getting married tonight. And ya, she is 22, just like me. I've been thinking, "What the hell is she thinking? Baby? Living wholeday at home waiting her hubby to come  back everyday? No party? Even for travelling? Come on!". 

But, here I am. I just realized that apparently I am the chicken here. She is choosing already! It looks like ... we both step to one path, and when I see there's no light around, I stop. But, she's continuing to step. She's choosing to start, through and see what was it in the end of the path. And I? I'm nothing. I just collect my questions here.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

You know, it's like .... a hunch.

Forgiving is not that easy apparently. Dealing with thing like this has never been so bored. Too much things must be controlled. Mind, attitude, habit, even heart. Is that possible? I'll say no. But, ya, again, I'm still the old Tari who believes in something strange. I ever heard any conversation about one thing that called hunch. Someone asked, "How could you recognise something as a hunch?". "It's easy. It'd happen twice. First, in your deepest heart, and then, all around you is repeating the same thing, over and over again. You feel like something outside is collaborating to bring you to this path.".

So, just like this quote. It came into the mix. Somehow, it delivers the right feeling why I chose to say goodbye after all.
"If one girl is not enough for you, you are not man enough for me." -Evette Carter

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

November, 20 2012.

"I came up with my favorite film, and he with his experience. We ended up with completing each other..."

I never knew what kind of 'losing' he had before, till he chose his way to hold anyone he love too tight. He makes me believe that every chance was so precious. He taught me how to love sincerely. Dear, thank you for last three months. Thank you for giving me a space to learn how to fight for this relationship. I never thought that you would be so mean for me. You always make my day! (...from the very first time we met)

Sunday, October 21, 2012

God's will

I personally don't believe in fate. If you asked me, "how about God's will?", I'll answer "so-so.". In a side, I believe in God, but in another side also I often asked Him why. But, He prove it in sweetest way that never I expected before. At the end, it delivers a wholehearted gratitude. Because of His will. Because of him.

We're not looking back

Thanks a bunch for your good morning in every morning, faithfull till I realized, warm hug everytime I need it or (I thought) not, patience, humble heart. (August, 20 2012 - October, 20 2012)

Saturday, October 13, 2012

You had me at "Good Morning"

"Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, "You owe me!". Look what happens with a love like that, it lights the whole sky." -حافظ

It's 7.15 a.m and I supposed to be on my bed, under my blanket. With no exicitement I stepped out from the bus and got 'good morning' just like last two days, a small talk indeed. I didn't care, not even replied like I care. Spontaneously I said, good morning, without any effort to look at his face. (March, 10 2012)

So, that was the beginning of our unbelieve-a-buble story ...

Let say, I have no enough time for sleeping last night, and I forced to wake up on early morning. When the sun shines too bright, I choose to narrowed my eyes. I feel like I don't want to get bother by its bright. Come on! Everyone knows it's already morning, no need to be excessive, it doesn't help anything. Anything. Yep, anything.

I wish that big sun knew that I lost some sleeps last night, I hope its bright could be more cooperative. When I look for a shelter, and I got it, the sun still shining outside. Sounds like waiting for me. "I haven't prepared.", what a common reason I made eventually. But, the sun still waiting. Waiting for me to be ready.

"At times I understand you and I know how hard you've triedAt times I've watch while love commands you and I've watched love pass you by. At times I think we're drifters, still searching for a friend. A brother or a sister but then the passion flares again..."

Officially falling for your good-morning everyday!

Friday, October 12, 2012

All you have to do is jump!

Sometimes, if you aren't sure about something, you have to just jump off the bridge and grow wings on your way down. -Danielle Steel

Giant stride. Never thought that it'd be creepy than back-roll-entry. At the first time he asked me to not look down, I thought, how can? I'm on my way to jump, then you warned me to not look in to where will me landed? Crazy. But, I had no choice eventually. He's divemaster and I'm just advanced-open-water. In the end, I did it. And I were okay. Thank's God!

So, here came a point after I did it. Jump! Jump! Just jump! And you'll be okay. Don't waste your time for comparing. Where will you be landed, what will you get, how if something bad happen, or anything else. Stop your mind for seeking any reason which is hindering your final step to jump. Because your considerations never make a valid conclusion. You do it by your self, then you'll get an answer as a reward. All you have to do is jump!

P.S. Thank you for giving me opportunity to do my first giant stride in Menjangan. You made my day! I love you.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

My Puffer Fish!

I'm in love with puffer fish at the first dive. I wish I could bring one of them to my world: land. Then, I will buy an aquarium, fill it in with the sea water, and design it with some corals or anything to make it looks like the real sea. I think he would be happy. Or actually me who feels happy?

All that I knew about falling in love is making the one I love stay close to me. But, sometime, it makes one of us suffer. Just like my puffer fish. I'm not going to make him happy with any imitation things, but I also have limited air in my tank to stay longer with  him down there. We just different. Land and sea. Maybe we're not going to be happy if we live in our own place, you in the water and am on the land, but it's just the best way to stay well, at least to breath without any tool.

I wish I could sing, "I'm not moving...". But, I have to move some inchs, so if one time you back to the place we met, I could see your back, the only part that I knew I could owned. I miss you!

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Home is ...

It's always fascinating when people make any definition about home. Some describe it as a place where love flourished, another call it as the only way that always waiting them to be back. Sounds like a comfort zone, eh? No, it isn't.

Don't you remember when you leave your parents? How it feels? Not good, indeed. But you had to. You need to grow up, and there's no growth if you keep being fed all the time. So, even your parents, the one that introduce you what home is, doesn't offer you a comfort zone. They just prepare you in purpose to allow you to earn a lesson, even though you must get down first.

Just like when you found your home in someone, don't you have to fight for making he stay? You learned how to listen, to understand, to care. And it's not that easy, since selfish was a part of human. But, well, it is the way home works. Home doesn't promise you a full shelter when raining, you can still get wet by the rain splashing that came from the window, but by the same window, you can also get amazed by the rainbow that seen after the rain.
And then, how about saying thank you after all?

Saturday, June 02, 2012

Make it worthwhile!

When young girl told me, "We just live once, so let's have fun and do what we wanna do!". I gave my sweetest smile to her and back home. In front of the mirror in my room, I told my self, "Yep, I just live once, therefore I'll make it enough once, so I don't have to ask God for giving me any opportunity to live twice". I don't want to have fun all the time, or drowning in my suffering too long. I want to make anything worth to be passed. And if someday, I back through those paths, I have so much memories to be collected, and gratitude to be said. Because for me, life is about appreciate what been done, even though I have to laugh in the morning and crying when sun goes down. I still appreciate it.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Forgiving without forgetting, but leaving.

After all this time, for the moments we've been through, the understanding we've been given, and any rough words that might be hurts, or even pains which haven't healed yet, I still sure, I have no reason to feel regret. I don't know why I could say so, since both of us knew how this story begun, how many times I warned you about karma as my revenge intention, and blaming you for all my tears above what 'they' did. I am sorry. I am so sorry for everything I am, for my disability to forgive you, and forced you to keep understand at its disability.

Thank you for letting me learn how to forgive, even it means I have to leave it all

Je t'aime ...

Friday, May 11, 2012

We're human, we get error, it's normal. (Really?)

It takes sixty-five thousand errors before you're qualified to make a rocket
Dear Werhner von Braun,
I have no intention to be a person who qualified to make a rocket. I just want to be a person who qualified to get over every error that I made. So, I think, it'd be good if you can suggest me how much error I must pass 'till I can be what I want. Actually, I guess it must be less than sixty-five thousand, or even less than its half, right? Because as I know that my wish isn't as big as a rocket.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up
Dear Thomas Alfa Edison,
I am 22 years old, and I'd love to watch Dora The Explorer. Sometimes, when I see her maping a way to solve the problem, I was amaze. Ya, I wish I have a great map too, so it can warns me to walk any closer to my success point before I decide to stop and give up. Anyway, by the quote, do you mean Dora's map looks cool than Doremon's magic door, don't you?
The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you'll make one
Dear Elbert Hubbard,
Hand's up! This is what I feel now. I'm enough with my joke.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Enough for blaming the time, Kid!

Time is the wisest counsellor of all. -Pericles

Me, myself personaly, don't know how time works. How come it could be a theraphy to heal a scar, a fairy to say, "it is your turn to achieve happiness", or even a stuff to prove you that you've done anything bad long ago. I don't know how this simply term could do 'till it brings a good reason for people to feel regret or extremely right. Is that a time that decide anything eventually?

Maybe I have no option, except, to recognize how big the ability of time, how time could influence you to do something opposite in a case. Just like a time when you feel extremely right after going through some improper men and finally found the right man. Time brings a wonderful feeling at that time. But, how it goes, in a time when you realized that you've been with another improper man again after going through some improper men? Deepest regret, for sure.

Well, this proves that actually you choose what you want to feel after all, but what you always do is measuring what will you get after you please your time flies. In the end, you'll put a blame to the time just because you didn't get paid worth for how long you've been waited. You don't realize that the task of the time is just to make sure you can see anything clearly, so you can decide it, whether its right or not. Time has not a liable for what you get after you decided. Simpler, don't you need a time to prove the right man? Ya, so, it's also valid for proving the improper man! Time helps you, people! And you should not ask for getting paid. Be thankful, at least try it now.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I owe you a lot, Tulamben

Thank you for arranging the unbeliv-a-bubble safari dive.
Thank you for guiding me in every dive.
Thank you for making my dream come true: pass the exchange-day underwater!!!
Thank you for accompanying me floating when Tulamben's sky fulfilled of stars.
Thank you for the hot chocolate.
Thank you for the unexpected birthday present.
Thank you for the sweet gelatoooo.
Thank you for the yummy croissant.
Thank you for celebrating my birthday with ta-mie. Looks like a chinesse, eh?

April 17, 2012    12:01 WITA    (8,2 meters)
Wonderful Agung Mt. right behind the hotel
Schooling jack fish at Tulamben

Ready to see Neptune!
Set the dive equipment
I'd love to write anything underwater

Sunday, April 08, 2012

Life is simple, but itsn't easy to play simple!

There's a time when a simple question doesn't mean a simple answer. Sometimes it requires you a complicated feeling between memories and emotional..

Let me starts this post with a short story :
Nazua living in a broken home family since she was 3 years old. She lives with her mother. Even though her father already had a 'new family', luckily, Nazua has a good relationship with her father. But good relationship doesn't change her father's status. Her father still a head of another households. Shortly in a moment, her mother introduced her to her mother's boy friend. And then, after getting used with her mother's boy friend in about six years, someone ask her a simple question, "Who is the one you love, your daddy (she called her mother's boy friend with Daddy) or your father?". She answered, "Daddy". Then, she cried.
Literally, it's just a simple question. But, in another side, it's a horrible situation. Nazua never thought that she'd get punch with that question. Question which brings what she haven't be realized before. And when she answered that question, there came a point that makes her feel deep disappointed. It's because she knew something eventually, something that pains her, something that finds a fact that her father should do what her Daddy did, but her father could not.

And well, that's life. There're much unpredictable ways that will lead you to a fact without lies. What you have to do is appreciate it and be welcome. Everything happens for a reason, isn't it? So, let it be the way it be. Happy life! Happy peaceful Easter!

Photo's source:

Monday, April 02, 2012

Hug me, Neptune!

It begins with a fiction titled Perahu Kertas by Dewi Lestari. A fiction that successfully makes me adoring the sea. I never thought that I'd get crush on my own frightened. Sea? That deep? Fish? Gosh, this's unbelievable impact that never I expected after reading a fiction. And now the weird thing is, I enjoyed the impact. What  a great feeling that brought me outside my border!

Every single thing in my life is happened based on something uncharted. And as a greeting to one of new things in my life, I'd like to put some sentences that-could-be-marked as a reason why I did this...
When am afraid, I ought to not stay there and wasting my time wondering about what was there, around my frightened. Face it is the great way to prove that it's not as bad as I thought before! -@thaaaaar
See the bubbles! See them disappear! There's nothing can beat the way you realize that you're still alive among your problems. Kindly to try this unique thing, folks! -@thaaaaar
Everyday, every second am breathing. It's just a small activity since it becomes a habit as human. But, when am under water, it's a big thing, I'll die if I didn't put on my regulator to help me breathing. So, for me, everytime I do diving, I learn to appreciate a small thing which vulnerable to be forgotten. -@thaaaaar
One thing that made me fall for Kugy's frenzy is the way she talked to Neptune. She wrote a memo on a paper, folding the paper into a paper boat, then let the paper boat drifted to follow the water stream. She believes that every water stream will be end to the sea. So, even though Kugy was just a character in a fiction book, I know how to meet her easily. Yes, diving! Meet all her thoughts directly! -@thaaaaar
The most desolate place on earth is under water. The place where you only hear the bubbles burst. The place that brings you into a small world for a while: you and your breath. -@thaaaaar

 Anyway, thank you Kugy for letting me drowning in Neptune's home. Much happy!

Friday, March 23, 2012


A stranger is just a friend waiting to happen..

Now I know why I was so scared before. That's because I took a chance. I let my self hanging in uncertain situation for unexpected end. You know, it feels like going outside your blanked when it's winter. Who would? I personaly won't. But, sometimes, it's not about whether you want or not, more than that, it's about ever or never. For a simply ever, there's so much predictions. And for simply never, there's could have, might have, and should have. What's more sad than last three things, eh?

Practically, try something new isn't as easy as I imagined before. You have to go outside your comfort zone. You have to learn anything simultaneously. The conditions and people around. Yep, it's all about adaptation, again and again. But, don't you know, through these new things you'll know how to appreciate anything around you, even for the smallest good thing ever. Because uncertainty makes you have no good expectation, so if something good happened, you'll easily realize it.

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Ten hours left, should I?

It isn't like what I guess before. I never thought I'd this afraid eventually. You know, this trip should be the most awaited trip in my life, but apparently it appears like something scared me. I don't know if it caused by my step away from my comfort zone or I just haven't prepared yet. But, do I need prepared? No, I planned the spontaneous here. So, what's the problem then? The only thing I worried lately is about the purpose. The more it close to, the more I got the question mark. Sometimes I feel like runaway, but sometimes I get my confidence too. And finally, it goes worst when I have nothing to decide.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Happy Birthday, Anggar!

Honestly, am wondering if this post gonna be useful? Would you read this post after we lost in contact a year ago? Well, I guess am not going to wait your answer, because as usual, I don't need any reason for what am going to do, as long as you were the subject. Wherever you are, I hope you do nuts deed, like stalking on my blog. Impossible, eh? Whatever. A wish is a wish.

So.. should I start with 'how are you' or 'hows life' in the beginning of this post? Nggar, I guess I have no time to make a small talk. You know, if a hug could be typed in a word, I'd type it in a huge font! I really miss you. I never thought that I'd be this lost without you. I tried to live my life since you're gone. I tried to pull away everything about you, your phone number, your photo, your email, your postcards, anything. But, the worst thing ever is I do have my memories.

I remember, the last moment with you, when I had no words to say, even for simply sorry. Ya, people just right, this's too late. But, now, me do the right too, because what's more right than saying the truth of 'you still own me'? There's space here in my heart that would never be owned by anyone. You're still the one, Nggar, and I miss you. Get well soon. Happy birthday! 

Anyway, once you get in Indonesia, please lemme know :)

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

It's not them who born to hurt you, but it's time that exist to teach you!

"Have you ever been left before?"
"Any different?"
"Most of all, I guess not"
"So, it's definitely not a new thing in your life, right?"

We used to be complicated in everyting. I don't know if it happened on most of us, but I guess it is normal actually. I personaly do that. I blamed other for my hurt feeling. Just because someone I loved leaves me, then I tell myself to not believe anyone anymore. Though, if I could think this simply : "He just did something that didn't work on us, that's all". I bet I'll find more peaceful in my heart.
So, now, I hope you realized, there're many lessons from your up-and-down moments, and blamming just the easiest way to make everything getting worst. Think simply, act simply, then move on would be that simply too. Happy Valentine's Day, Folks!

Photo's source : 

Monday, February 13, 2012

Thank you for making me crying, Ine!

I particularly know how to behave on these feelings. The problem is, am wondering if I had to do something or not. I'm not the one who likes to calculate something, but I guess, this time, I need to measuring what I've done, and I thought this is just too much. I need to sit down, take a rest for a while. I'm going to forgive myself for everything behind. I'll cry for a moment to know how exactly the fault is, then realizing how normal I'm as a human. Thank you for the chat healing, Ine. Going back soon! I miss you :)

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back

So, if you terrified of heights, then you must go bungee-jumping or sky-diving soon!

It must be a public secret about life. When people force you to face it, instead of runaway. Because how long you can run, there ain't no place that far. It's like a quote that says, "If you tell a truth you don't have to remember it". Then, never lying for anything if you wouldn't walk in much carefully. Finaly, in this case, what you've to do is face the trouble by telling the truth.

And now, here I go for something that's not as simply as facing trouble. Commonly, when you are requested to face your trouble, of course you're going to shoot the target. But, how about trauma? Most of people who stick in trauma because they don't know how to behave on it. The one who's being hurt by someone is choosing to prepare the revenge. Whereas, they have no idea what they got after that? Does the trauma disappear after their successful revenge? No. The trouble would be pleased to shoot you back by making you realize that you did revenge in vain. So, guys, please becareful for what you are going to fix. Know it exactly first!